People on Absolute Write Water Cooler have been saying that my book was awful and not something publishable. So I rewrote it and hopefully, my mom will cancel the publishing agreement. Here's the first few hundred words:
“Attention, orphans, dinner is prepared!” the announcement blared. “Come to the dining room… NOW!”
The hallways thumped with footsteps. But in this room, a depressed young girl of around twelve sat on her bed knitting a scarf from sea green yarn. Despite her mournful face, she was very pretty with her straight, thigh-length platinum blonde braids, medium skin, blue eyes, and tall, skinny body. She even looked beautiful in her hot pink V-neck sweater over her white shirt and denim knee-length skirt over her black and white striped leggings. But all she cared about was how she missed her parents since she felt like she was the only orphan who remembered when her parents died. The girl heard a knock on her door.
“Come in, Melanie,” she said mournfully.
The door opened to reveal a shorter girl with very wavy black pigtails that fell from the top of her ears to her shoulders, dressed in a matching blue shirt and skirt. She appeared to be the same age as the girl sitting on the bed.
“Hey, Alyssa, aren’t you coming down to dinner?” she asked in her dreamy voice.
“Do I have to, Melanie?” Alyssa asked in her slight teen-like voice. “I’m afraid of Mr. Frank. Why did he have to run this adoption center?”
“I don’t know,” Melanie asked shrugging her shoulders. “But we still have to go down. Or else we’ll be in big trouble.”
“Alright.” Alyssa got up from her bed and walked out of her room with Melanie.
“So, Alyssa, I’d like to know why you’re always feeling depressed,” said Melanie. “You seem more depressed than the rest of the girls.”
“I remember my parents’ deaths like it was yesterday, even though it was five years ago on January 15th, 2004.”
“What happened?” asked Melanie.
“My parents and I were on our way to Edward’s Ski Resort in Fort Nelson, British Columbia, which is my hometown. Everything went well until we were about a kilometer away. An avalanche tumbled down a mountain and headed towards the road. I was so afraid, that I jumped out of the backseat of my parents’ car and ran towards the other direction.”
“What did your parents do?”
“Yelled at me to stay in the car. But I ran and ran until it had finally stopped. I turned and called for my parents. There was no response, so I made my way back to the car and I couldn’t believe what I saw after wiping the snow off the front windows… they were dead. I was so horrified and sad, that I cried nonstop. Even when the rescuers arrived, I was still crying. They flew me all the way from Fort Nelson to here in Burnt Church, New Brunswick in their private mini plane.”
“How long did that take?”
“About six and a half hours. At the site of where my parents perished, I told them that my grandparents died and my parents didn’t have siblings. So Teal Spruce Adoption Center was the only home available for me.”
Teal Spruce Adoption Center was the name of the adoption center Alyssa and Melanie lived at.
“When I moved in, I felt like I was entering hell. Mr. Frank abused me, tortured me, and treated me like a slave. And nobody showed any sympathy for me. Even you didn’t until seven months later. You ignored me.”
“I know and I really regret doing so. I’m sorry. But now we’re friends and I show sympathy all the time. Can I tell you how my parents died? But I don’t remember their deaths from memory. I was just told by Mr. Frank.”
“When I was five, I tried to jump out my window to escape. Mr. Frank caught me and after beating me, he gave me a lecture on how I should never leave his sight. He told me that my parents jumped out of our apartment window In Regina, Saskatchewan to commit suicide.”
“They lost their jobs. I don’t know what they did, but they must’ve really enjoyed it.”
“Did they have low self-esteem?”
“Alyssa Norris and Melanie Johnson, You guys are late for dinner!” growled a gruff voice. Alyssa and Melanie came face to face with a huge, heavy man with a wrinkly face and a big white bushy mustache, dressed in a white t-shirt under black overalls.
“We’re sorry, Mr. Frank,” said Melanie. “We were just…”
“I know you two were doing! Norris won’t stop mourning over her parents’ deaths! So you just gave her a moment of sorrow, Johnson! If I ever catch you doing that again, you’re dead! And Norris, if you are late again, you’re dead! Now march inside the dining room!”
People complained a lot about the introduction with all the details. What do you think of it?