Thanks for allowing me to submit. I have e-mailed the .docx file to all of the folks on the e-mail list Sheila sent. February is a short month, as well as Pirate Month because of all the R's in it. I've submitted 16 pages of 4200 words. Therefore, crit as many pages or as few as you like. All your comments are welcome. (Especially those that are not positive.)
I hope you enjoy.
Fernando
Sorry the file should have been .DOC not .docx.
Fernando
Looking forward to reading it!
What a terrific story! I think you have done a masterful job of combining character creation with some sophisticated humor while wrapping it all up in a good mystery story line. I enjoyed the entire story, but I know that you are not looking for accolades without some constructive criticism, so here are a few observations.
In your e-mail last Saturday, you said it was a work in progress, with the end product being 6 small chapters. What you submitted thus far is apparently half of the book as it contains 3 chapters, but ... it seems to me that it has reached a resolution at the end of the 3rd chapter. The missing babies have been found, alive and well, and Esmeralda apparently was also found, alive and well. If there are three more chapters, I can't wait to see what else takes place.
There are a lot of words in the text that I had to look up in my dictionary; orb, mandibles, spinneret, lintel, cloyed, and even Arachnid. Perhaps that's merely testimony to the inadequacy of my own vocabulary, (and a chosen avoidance of becoming familiar with spiders!) but I wonder if your targeted audience will have a similar problem. Just an observation for you to consider.
In Part 1, you start by saying that Esmeralda was late this morning, suggesting that was the first time it had happened, yet on page 3, in the italicized part, Newt is thinking she's been gone a couple of days. Similarly, Arial says (page 2) it was the day before yesterday when she had bundled up her brood, but on page 3, Newt asked her why it took her a week to start looking for the children.
Still in Part 1, I didn't see the connection when (bottom of page 2) Newt was remembering how birds sometimes stared into the eyes of a snake too long. I understand that you are conveying the hypnotic effect that the eyes may impose on a would-be victim, but it seemed to me that the spider was there to get help, not size up another meal.
On page 3, 5th line from the bottom, "Arial's eyes ..." Shouldn't the word "detective" be "detective's?" (knit-picking :-)
On page 4, where Newt is listing the key points of his investigation, I thought Arial lost her children right after the unknown perp ripped a whole in the web; not after she ate the damselfly. Also, you repeat that Esmeralda has been gone a long time when it initially was only since she was running late the morning the story begins. These same comments apply to the second summation on page 12.
On page 6, middle paragraph, Newt pounced on the millipede and "clutched with all his feet." How many feet does a lizard have? Or did you intend that to somehow mean all of the millipede's feet?
In Part 2, page 2, when Xavier was pleading his case (4th line from bottom of the page,) shouldn't you insert "to be" between "was" and "my?" Also, wouldn't you want to add a comma between "well" and "go missing" on page 10, last line of 3rd paragraph? And on page 11, middle paragraph, shouldn't there be an apostrophe in the italicized word, "its" (middle line 5th paragraph?)
I have two comments about the encounter with the snake (page 11.) Your text states that "Thousands of small Newtons cavorted in the snake's iris." First, I've never wanted to get close enough to a snake to find out for myself, but do snake's eyes even have an iris? If they do, would the word "cavorted" be the best descriptor? To me, cavorted suggests movement, action. I would think this would be more a refracted image of an intended victim, frozen, motionless.
Take a moment to reread the paragraph beginning with "Newt rocketed up ..." and see if you don't think there are too many consecutive sentences that begin with "the."
In Part 3, the spider diva refers to Newt as MR. Newt after earlier on they had invited each other to be less formal. Should this be either Newton (without using Mr.) or Mr. Lizard? (or am I knit-picking again?)
I love the dialogue throughout the entire story, and I love the characters you created; the "snooty" Arial, the despicable dung beetle, the "gang" of hornets led by Tony the Sting, etc. I could visualize the movement of your characters, particularly Tony's ZZZZZZZing-ing arrivals and departures. As stated before, you managed to include just enough wry humor - such as item #5 on his list of important things gleaned from his conversations with other characters - to keep it entertaining. I am reminded of listening to the old detective stories on the radio, and I surmise that is the effect you are trying to achieve. If so, in my opinion, you succeeded.
Marvin,
You are not picking knits. (I'm in the KPoA union and you're never at the meetings.) I will get into the back story for Newt and Esmeralda after everyone has critiqued.
To clarify one observation on book length, the submission is in three parts, since it was the most complete. The final work will be broken back out into six separate chapters. There are typos (or typoes) regarding names etc.
Your crit is well done, informative, and apprecieated. I will plug in your comments electronically on my mark-up, which I use as a summary.
Thanks again.
Fernando
Fernando, I love this story! As I have said before, I envy anyone who can write a good mystery and you have definitely done it. Your story is mysterious, witty, and educational all at the same time. I love how the biological facts about each character flow seamlessly into their characterization, to include their speech! I appreciated as I read, the way you recapped the evidence, adding to it each time. I think that will be a help to your readers.
You said your target is early to middle grade readers. I would agree with the latter; I feel the story is a bit too complicated for early readers. I concur with Marvin's worry about the vocabulary, but perhaps you could include a glossary of terms or even some diagrams that will help your readers to know the meanings of the more difficult words. This will also keep them from giving up, I think. I have some of my own knit-picky things, which I will send to you in a separate email. The teacher in me is ever the grammar snob!
I love the happy ending (I was worried about Esmeralda)and the many great similes you used throughout the text.
I have one question- do we all get a free copy when this is published?
Best of luck with this piece-- a publisher would be crazy to pass it up.
Patti,
I love grammar snobs! The practice of picking knits shall continue until the knit is place on the endangered species list.
Thanks for the encouragement. I did not find and pickiness in your comments. In fact, you helped me find another instance of the elusive and chameleon-like passive voice. I refer to the instance where I said “Spying a slithering movement …” You turned it active with your comment. Thank you.
Fernando
I'm afraid that I'm going to need a couple of extra days in this short month, everybody. I have been traveling, etc., and I just need a little extra time. Please stay tuned...
I'm working on it! I will definitely post this weekend. Thanks for your patience. I have been swamped with work, and I want to do justice to Fernando's story.
I will be just within our four week deadline from the time the thread started, but I hate that I couldn't get to it sooner.
Thanks again for your patience.
Hi Fernando,
I really enjoyed your story -- to me it was like Miss Spider's Sunny Patch meets The Godfather :) After reading your story, I share some of the critiques already given by Patti and Marvin.
As far as the vocabulary usage, though, I would have to respectfully disagree with Marvin. If the story line is intended for a middle grade audience, I think the vocabulary would not be too overwhelming, especially is accompanied by a picture or 2.
I really thought that you captured the characters persona very well, especially with the dialect of Newt's informants. I also liked the way you introduced the "clack" sound.
Although the ending was nice (Esmeralda was safe :) It seemed to end rather abruptly.
Overll, I enjoyed the piece, very fast-moving and very visual.
Thank you for sharing!
Lois 8-)
Hi, All!
I have enjoyed reading everyone's comments, and I would like to offer the following:
1) I think that Marvin would make a wonderful detective himself because he has correctly pointed out the "timing" problem with Esmeralda's disappearance in the text.
2) In the opening paragraph, I would like to see the last line switched with the second. Let Newt's clammy skin foreshadow something ominous about Esmeralda being late. Also, let us know from the beginning paragraph that this is not like her.
3) I would insert "from" between "spectacles" and "behind" in the first sentence.
4) The first sentence of the second paragraph is too abrupt for me. Moreover, using "The" in this way makes it sound like Arial is his one and only client. I would find another way to announce her entrance. Something with a little more mystery...
5) On Page 3 I would insert "of" between "couple" and "days." Since this is Newt thinking to himself and not street tough Tony, I think that the grammar needs to be correct here.
6) The next to the last sentence on Page 3: "detective" should be" detective's"
7) I'm assuming that "perp" is short for perpetrator, but a youngster might not know this. In general, I think that the language is acceptable for middle-grade readers, but I do feel that a glossary of terms should be included to define some of the special words that relate to the insects themselves. Definitely keep them, however, because that in part is what makes the story fun! I think that most kids would have to look up "lintel" of the door, but a challenging word here or there is not a bad thing.
8) I would cut out "...which held food and disease" on Page 5 and just end it at dog poo.
9) Page 8: The first line is written as if we are all familiar with "the" library. You also mention the library later in the story. I would recommend introducing the library to the reader in some way to make a connection.
10) I LOVE the line: "Stick to webs, you're no good at spinning yarns."
11) At the bottom of Page 10: I believe that there is an inaccurate tag line verb in the following: "Ssssssseems like you are in a hurry," the snake drawled. "Drawled" does not describe the actual act of speaking, but rather what the character is doing. Please see "The Writer's Guide to Writing for Children" by Nancy Lamb page 171. Example:"Guess again!" he laughed vs. "Guess again!" he said laughing. This is a very common mistake that writers make.
12) I personally would insert commas afetr "well" and "yes" at the bottom of Page 10.
13) Page 12: "web" feels more comfortable to me than "domain" here, but it's just a suggestion. "Domain" feels stiff and out of character for Newt to me.
14) There are five paragraphs out of eight on Page 11 that start with "Newt."
15) I know that this will be challenging, but I think that you should go back and try to remove any "Newts" that can be replaced gracefully with something else in the text. There are just too many of them.
16) I agree with Patti that the story ends a little too abruptly, even though I understand that we are not at the end of the book itself.
17) On Page 11: Are you using "eye" instead of "eyes" when talking about the snake in paragraph 4 because the snake is turned sideways to Newt? I'm thinking that a snakes's eyes are not centered like ours, but I'm not sure.
I hope that you find these observations helpful, Fernando. Your writing is really quite good, and I think that you have a great idea going here. I LOVE the combination of detective story and insect characters, and you do a wonderful job of portraying them. My only real concern is that the story feels very busy, except for the beginning, with action coming almost non-stop. I would like to see you linger a little longer, but break the chapters up into more chapters. Let Newt's encounter with the snake be its own chapter, for example. I also think that kids would love this story. Good luck with placing it. Like Patti, I want to reserve a copy!
Hey everybody!
Thanks for all the great comments. Here’s the skinny. What you read came at me all at once. I have broken it into six chapters. I’ve also noted on a summary sheet all your input. I agree with about 80% of the comments. The other 20% I am reworking to see if it can be better. There is no perfect story, just out of the box. At least not for me.
For instance, I started this particular story with a 30% chance of developing a series. Now, darn it all, I have to do research, because I see a series of mysteries based on nature. That means Esmeralda is no longer a damselfly, she’s a dragonfly. Newt is an outsider now, who came from upstream. His new name is Newton Phibian, because pollution can not change a newt to a lizard. I have just finished the first draft of the first book of the series. [Yeah, what you read is now the second or third book.]
I hope I can count on these detailed comments on future submissions. You make me think and re-think about what the characters say and how they say it. You are a fantastic help.
So, who’s next?
Fernando
I don't have anything ready at present, so I'm happy to let someone else have a chance.
Thanks for all of the friendly cards and good wishes today!!!
Hi All,
I wanted to put a feeler out for everyone -- although I don't have a children's piece to critique right now, I was wondering if you all would be interested in giving me feedback on a piece I submitted for a contest? It is an adult piece (I was given the subject and genre).
Thanks! Let me know.
Lois
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